I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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