I hate all girls vehemently.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
