You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
