My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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