final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize