everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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