I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
