I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm at about main and main street
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
