So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
