i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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