I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize