honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
