What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My brain says no but my pants say off.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
