I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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