if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
