I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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