I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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