just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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