My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
