Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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