This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
