apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
