We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
