and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
