The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
