1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize