Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
