I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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