I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
