She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
