Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize