I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
