Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
