im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
