Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
