Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
