oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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