you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize