who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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