He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
