Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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