can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
