Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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