All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
