Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
