my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I love having hate sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
