I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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