Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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