You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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