I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
