you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
