I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
