I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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