3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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