i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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