I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
