dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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