Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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